The following are an assortment of letters that I've been given to add to the site so that devotees can appreciate her mood. Unfortunately they're not in any set order, so please take them for what they are.

Oct 22nd 2001
Dear Gurudeva,
Please accept my most humble obesiances, all glories to Srila Prabhupada.

I was hoping that you may be able to give some indication if you are going to be visiting Australia for the festivals or at some stage in Jan. I know presently with the world situation it is alittle difficult to plan. But do you have some Idea when you will be visiting.

I presume you are now in Vrndavana please spare a thought and prayer for me. Some times the hard cold facts of being in this body seperate from Krsna really sink in and I am very much a mercy case. I have been thinking alot about about doing some preaching programmes around NZ. I know you had decided to come only for a few days but if we were to organise some programmes. South ISland or North for a couple of weeks next year you may be interested to come. I'm sure Jambavati would be interested. Anyway if it is at all a possibility I would have the time to help organise something.
I am pretty much tidying up the business from now until christmas as I have excess stock to clear and now is a good time to do so.

One thing I thought of after reading your last diary and your concern about your lack of Sastric knowledge. I was a little upset to hear this as I know your quality of purity. Purity is the force not the amount of sloka's one knows. You have an incrediable ability to infect peoples hearts with the desire to awaken their Krsna Consiouness. I can't think of any quality greater than this. Their are so many devottee's in our society that are qualified in at least one or a few of the qualities Srila Prabhupada displayed. And through those devottee's and their unique qualities and expertise in different area's we have Srila Prabhupada's ISKCON.

Please let me know if you have made any decisions about Austrailia and think about your visit to NZ.

Your most fallen servant
Vrndavanesvari dasi
 
 

21st Jan 2002
Dear Gurudeva,
  Please accept my humble obeisances.  All glories to Srila Prabhupada.

Although I have been very sluggish in my writing of late you are constantly in my thoughts. It times really well for us to be in Mayapur when you are their.

I dreamt about you the other night. You had arrived somewhere and I was running late. Finally I came before you and you were so happy to see me. Then you blessed me that I would have spiritual vision. Their was a transformation without going into detail.
Any way it is moments like that which are few and far between but it keeps one hopeful.

I am looking forward to seeing you soon, but I also feel  shy, apprehensive and foolish. In revealing my heart to you even though I sure at times it may have been over the top. You have always accepted my sincere attempts to develop a spiritual relationship with you and given me the encouragement I have needed. For me your influence in my life has been very significant and genuine. I know that trust is very difficult in matters of the heart. The souls desire to relish spiritually and find shelter in a genuine relationship. But I do remain ever more cautious because I have doubts of my own perceptions and qualification. So I just pray for your continued acceptance and assurances that I am relating in a way that is conducive to becoming conscious of Krsna.

Your most fallen servant
affectionately
Vrndavanesvari dasi
>
>
 

Jan 31st 2002

Dear Gurudeva,
Hare Krishna.  Please accept my humble obeisance's.  All glories to Srila Prabhupada.

I was sorry to hear that you are not going to India I was really looking forward to the time with you their. But we are definitely wanting to go at Kartik Krsna willing. Hopefully you will be in NZ before then.

We were really concerned for you when you were here. You did extend yourself so much which was nice for us all but you did look extremely tied. So I am pleased that you are taking time for your health. I only wish you were in NZ so we could take care of you. But you have plenty of support their.

We really appreciated your visit here it reminded me so much of our relationship in the past. But without the immaturity on my part. The devotee's are discussing the possibility of having the Tour in the South Island but with your health in mind, moving at moderate pace. Which will allow the preaching to go on but also give you some rest as needed.

Thank you as always for your example and service to Srila Prabhupada it is truly an inspiration to us all.

Your most fallen servant
Vrndavanesvari dasi
 

14th Feb 2002
Dear Gurudeva,
 Please accept my humble obeisance's.  All glories to Srila Prabhupada.

We have just finalized our plans for India. We will be in Mayapur by the 26th Feb. We are both looking forward to seeing you again.

We had a ground breaking ceremony for our house the other day it seemed very auspicous. But I also felt mixed a lot of energy and money is going into building this house. Anyway I sense commitment to this project. My husband remains very strong in his duty to Srila Prabhupada and I can only be a support to him. Although I appreciate the difficulties being involved in Temple communities for myself I feel at times it brings reality to the futility of material life. We have it all, we have perfection knowledge of Krsna, yet  we choose to struggle or need to struggle. If I sound a little uninspired I guess I really am. But only due to my lack of Krsna Consiouness.

Life in ISKCON is not as alive and vibrant as we have known in the past and this I am sure has many reasons. I guess if you have had such experiences and tastes in Krsna Consciousness it is hard to settle for the so called norm, or the complications in dealing with so many very unique individual devotee's that have so much to face and deal with in their own lives.  I try to think that I am trying to help Srila Prabhupada in a way which I can or am allowed. Anyway through it all I remain ever hopeful but with no expectations and in the same mood approaching our visit to India.

I look forward to seeing you soon we leave here on the 22nd Feb.

Your fallen servant
Vrndavanesvari dasi
 
 

15th Feb 2002
Dear Gurudeva,
Hare Krishna.  Please accept my humble obeisance's.  All glories to Srila
Prabhupada.

We have finally finalized our trip and will be leaving on the 22nd arriving Mayapur on the 25th. We are both looking forward to seeing you their.

I have heard through a few devotee's that you may be attending the opening of the Hamilton Temple some time in April. Please let us know if this is so. We come back from India on the 6th of April.

We have been busy with Temple business. I really appreciate my husband service mood and duty to Srila Prabhupada and his ability to withstand the pressures of being in Management. Our house is just about to start so much energy, money and commitment to this community lets see how it develops. We had a ground breaking ceremony which seemed be very Auspious.

I know you are busy so I will keep it short and hope that we all make it to Mayapur safely. As always you are in my thoughts and appreciations.

Your most fallen servant
Vrndavanesvari dasi

>

16th Feb 2002
See you in Mayapur!

Message text written by "Kala"
>
Dear Gurudeva,
Hare Krishna.  Please accept my humble obeisance's.  All glories to Srila Prabhupada.

We have finally finalized our trip and will be leaving on the 22nd arriving Mayapur on the 25th. We are both looking forward to seeing you their.

I have heard through a few devotee's that you may be attending the opening of the Hamilton Temple some time in April. Please let us know if this is so. We come back from India on the 6th of April.

We have been busy with Temple business. I really appreciate my husband service mood and duty to Srila Prabhupada and his ability to withstand the pressures of being in Management. Our house is just about to start so much energy, money and commitment to this community lets see how it develops. We had a ground breaking ceremony which seemed be very Auspious.

I know you are busy so I will keep it short and hope that we all make it to Mayapur safely. As always you are in my thoughts and appreciations.

Your most fallen servant
Vrndavanesvari dasi<
 
 

Jan 27th 2002
My dear Vrindavanesvari
Please accept my blessings and offer my warmest greetings to Kalas. As I always tell you, be assured that our relationship and your expressions are all fine. I look forward to our time together in Mayapur. I am really busy these days so forgive this brief response.
Your ever well-wisher,
Tamal Krishna Goswami
 
 
 
 

Nov 26th 2001
Dear Gurudeva,
Please accept my most humble obesiances. all glories to Srila Prabhupada.

I have to date written you six letters and strangely none have reached you. For various reasons I thought I had understood the different problems but the last letter which I sent about 2 weeks ago returned to me after five days. I am presently travelling so have little access to the computer. I am pretty much in business consiouness and getting the results. I will write in more detail later. I just wanted to let you know I have been trying to communicate with you.

My Guru Maharaja had promised us a visit and given us dates for 25th and 26th of December but now has decided not to come. His preaching work takes priority which I can appreciate but it is the promises and commitments to his disciples I question. It really is difficult when faced with certian realities in this material world especially when our hopes were so high. Vani and Vapu we know service in seperation the highest but also we understand association of advanced devottee's is the key to our success. Yet at the end of the day I'm sure we individually get whatever we need or deserve.

We are thinking about coming to India in March the house will be built in January, Feb. Anyway you remain constantly in my thoughts and hope that in time I will be in your association again.

Your most fallen servant
Vrndavanesvari dasi
 

Oct 28th 2001
Dear Gurudeva,
Please accept my most humble obesiances all glories to Srila Prabhupada. I have written you three letters which have for reasons not reached you. So I am attempting again to write and I hope I have your correct e.mail address.

The letters I wrote are a little dated now, I really wanted to let you know I have been writing to you. I am just about to leave and travel for the next three weeks. You are constantly in my thoughts and I just pray for the day that I can be in your association again. The aim of clearing my stock is so far being fruitful which should help finances for the purposed house etc. We are still not fully decided whether to build, this will hopefuly come clear at the AGM meetings in Dec. My husband in doing well in his services management and seems in good spirits.

I have been facing some emotional issues over the past weeks on a level I was not expecting. But Krsna gives us whatever we need. I at least have to have faith in this thought. As you said I am like an emotional freight train it amuses me that I must face such extremities in my life. Yet knowing I have you as my wellwisher and guide I at least feel I can ride the wave.

Please inform me if you have any plans in which we could join you I think I would even consider a moments association at Mayapur if it becomes an option. I can appreciate this may be difficult to ask at this time due to the world political situation. But just keep us in mind. I miss your comforting inspiration so much. I have thoughts of preaching next year rather than develop further projects in this community.  On the Vastu issue not seeing a constructive response within the community.For the first time in years I am alittle lost to what I should be doing.  I have the next 3months to think about it.
I really thought I could be effective in helping devottee's etc for reasons now I am not sure. ISKCON the intitution is difficult. That is maybe why Srila Prabhupada said no matter what happens stay with me. But what does staying with Srila Prabhupada mean when maybe after his departure, changes and directives ISKCON has become quite different to what Srila Prabhupada desired. I guess you are one of the few that could honestly answer this question. It has been very challenging understanding the sublties and the externals of what we face as devotee's or at least for myself trying to become a devottee. Being in this material world in material bodies it is a very sublte science.  Also not to loose sight of the goal and the unique quality of all devotee's and their abilities and potential.

I look forward to hearing from you. Kunja Kisori came back from her trip and visit with you very happy and inspired she has so much to offer. I may show some level of desire but I guess we really only get what we deserve. Thank you  as always for the freedom of revealing my mind to you in trust and hope. I'm pray our relationship will contiue to grow and flourish.

Your most fallen servant
Vrndavanesvari dasi
 

Oct 3rd 2001
Dear Vrindavanesvari,

Please accept my blessings.  All glories to Srila Prabhupada.

Thank you very much for your letter and kind words.  I appreciate that you keep in touch.

I am going to Vrindavan in a few days. I'm not sure when I'll come to New Zealand, but I hope to before the next May.

Your ever well wisher,
Indradyumna Swami
 
 

Feb 19th 2002
Dearest Kalas,

Please accept my most humble obeisances.  All glories to Srila Prabhupada.

Thank you for your letter.

My feeling is if you hold out a little longer with Rasikananda,  he'll agree to a lower fee.  Life in Russia is quite bleak,  compared to beautiful New Zealand.

Even if it does turn out to be a little expensive,  you should consider that he is the best option,  and the result will be seen in the quality of the work.   After all,  those paintings will be a main feature in the temple.

I will do what I can from this side. I'll write him a letter thru Jananivasa and encourage him to do it for less.  I don't think he has any other offers pending in Russia.

I wish you and Vrindavanesvari a wonderful pilgrimage in India.  And yes, please do think of me in the holy places and ask Radharani to bless me.

When you get back to NZ,  don't forget our idea of the traveling festival later in the year there.

Your servant,
Indradyumna Swami
 
 

Jan 10th 2002
My dear Vrndavanesvari,

Please accept my blessings. I am so happy to hear that your spiritual master's visit gave you new life and that you and your husband will be joining him for a brief tour in India. That is certainly an appropriate time. You worked very hard these past months. As well, it will enable us to see each other in Mayapur. I plan to arrive there on the 4th March and stay there for ten days. Certainly we shall have some time together.

May this meet you and Kalasamvara Prabhu in the best of health and Krishna consciousness.

Your ever well-wisher,
Tamal Krishna Goswami
 
 

Dec 30th 2001
My dear Vrndavanesvari,

Please accept my blessings and please offer my respects to your dear husband, Kalasamvara Prabhu. I am glad that we are again in touch. Yes, I understand the idea of leading two lives. But why only two? I think I lead many, many lives. But somehow there is a thread that connects them all. I am not one to be schizophrenic. Somehow I adjust everything and come out as a whole person. You have to do the same.

No need to come to India to be with me in March, as I will just be attending the GBC meetings. But I do hope to finish my PhD and be able to go "a free man" to Vrndavana for next Kartik. So that may be the better time for us to be together.

I pray this coming New Year brings you the deep spiritual satisfaction you have been longing for. May it also bring good health to you and your husband.

Your ever well-wisher,
Tamal Krishna Goswami

-----Original Message-----
From: dbarker@voyager.co.nz [mailto:dbarker@voyager.co.nz]
Sent: Thursday, December 27, 2001 1:37 PM
To: Tamal Krishna Goswami
Subject: From Vrndavanesvari dasi

Dear Gurudeva,
Please accept my most humble obesiances all glories to Srila Prabhupada,

I have tried to send six letters to you over the past three months to no avail. I opologise deeply that I was unable to communicate with you over this period. I find myself humbled by your message. Yet  that you care to think in such away was touching.

I tried sending all the letters in between my business commitments travelling around NZ. So each time I thought I had fixed the problem I had to leave. The last three letters were sent to the correct address one returned to me after five days. So it was very strange and unusal that my letters were unable to get to you. Knowing myself and the situations faced it did not happen. So I hope with replying to your message we will be connected again.

The time utilized for business was practical and successful but of course I payed the price on my consiouness. Yet I am now back at the Temple improved chanting, life as a devotee as usual. I do at times amaze myself how I can live what it seems to me two lives. So oposed yet I'm sure with deeper understanding directly connected in my relationship with Krsna. I never waver from my belief that what Srila Prabhupada has given us will lead to perfection. I only fear my ability to do so successfully. The insight, strenght and realisations can reach new depths and being totally in belief of such reality Krsna. Then all can disappear and deep introspection arises, pride, offenses so on. I know I am a fool. A puppet on a string. My hopes and aspirations I long for, but in face of my heart I have no control, especially I do not deserve. And neither do I deserve your attention. Their are so many that are more worthy and deserving. But now I have tasted our relationship and its sweetest depths. I can't do without the thought of knowing that you see past my conditioning and see my potential and wish only to give me hope and encouragement. That I can start to realise such potential and be fulfilled in my service to Srila Prabhupada and Krsna.

We start building our house in Feb so I'm not sure about India. It is more difficult for me not to go than it is to go. And the thought that you will be their is a major drawcard. Will you spend time in Vrndavan also. Can you tell me if you have any plans next year to visit Fiji etc.

I pray this letter gets to you. I will be changing my address after the 30th so will send it through.
I look forward to your response as always.

Your most fallen servant
Vrndavanesvari dasi
 

----- Original Message -----
From: "Tamal Krishna Goswami" <tkgoswami@compuserve.com>
To: "DianeBarker" <dbarker@voyager.co.nz>
Sent: Wednesday, December 12, 2001 4:41 PM
Subject: Silence

> You have been silent a very long time. Are you testing me? Hare Krishna.
>
>

And the VERY last letter from HH Tamal Krishna Goswami to Vrindavanesvari just before they left to meet in India prior to the final event !!!


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